100 films this year?

I saw someone on Twitter tweet that in 2019 they saw 100 films at the cinema. And I wanted to do this, this year. However, with the Corona Virus and quarantine and self-isolation, it would be easier and cheaper just to use Prime, Netflix, and DisneyPlus.

So here is a list of movies that I have watched for the first time in 2020. There won’t be anything more other than a list, it’s quite a pointless post but, it’s really just for me hahaha.

  1. Black Panther
  2. 10 Things I hate about you
  3. Hot Rod
  4. Birds of Prey
  5. Longshot
  6. The invention of lying
  7. Ghost Town
  8. Descendants 2
  9. Descendants 3
  10. Bad Hair Day
  11. The Incredible Hulk
  12. Now you see me
  13. Now you see me 2
  14. Secret obsession
  15. Knives Out
  16. Birds of Prey
  17. Like a Boss
  18. Wedding Crashers
  19. Get Hard
  20. Blockers
  21. Insidious
  22. Insidiou2: chapter 2
  23. Geralds Game
  24. 365 DNI (Days)
  25. Jusitce League
  26. Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life
  27. Gravity
  28. Night School
  29. Jennifers Body
  30. The Conjuring
  31. A simple favour
  32. The Hustle
  33. Mulan – The remake
  34. Cabin in the Woods
  35. Devil
  36. Dinner for Schmucks
  37. Game Night
  38. Ocean’s 8
  39. Lawless
  40. 365 days

As you can tell I didnt watch 100 new films, I need to step my game up this year!

Breaking my type

First of all I want to say that I am going through something and I am on a journey, that has taken me through alot and I am learning things about myself everyday. I am learning new things everyday and I am understanding alot more about myself and the world around me. I will write a post about this on Sunday or Monday as I am busy this weekend, this post will be a little more spiritual and more honest and open, so look out for that.

But this post is about an epiphany I have had over the past few months, especially in the past few weeks.

What is a type? And why are we all stuck on “our type”?

By definition ‘type’ is ‘a person or thing exemplifying the ideal or defining characteristics of something.’ We all have our ‘types’, our likes and dislikes but when we live our life by just limiting ourselves to just our ‘type’ we miss out on a lot of experiences and we never step outside of the box that ourselves and society has put us in.

The adventure starts when we step out of our predetermined box. Our ‘type’ is the person we want as a partner; their hair colour, eye colour, breast size, dick size, do they have muscles, are they the race you’re attracted to, do they read philosophy books, are they rich? It’s the films we watch; is it a comedy, sci-fi, horror, western, war, thriller, anime? It’s the food we eat, the ‘type’ of takeaway we order, it’s the books we always read, tv shows we always watch on repeat, the games we play, the exercises we do.

We limit ourselves to only interact with what we know we will already like. I saw a tweet that said anxious people re watch the same shows cause they know whats going to happen, and I think its true. I never watch a new film cause I am anxious about whats gonna happen. I am a very jumpy person anything can scare me, so I stick to what I know.

When we don’t step outside and experience something new we are depriving ourselves the chance to learn, grow and experiment in our lives.

Our ‘normal’ changes. Our ‘type’ changes. In highschool I really was into blonde hair and blue eyes, my first partner had those features. My current partner has brown hair and brown eyes, and most of the celebrities I fancy have brown hair and brown eyes, but since I am growing wiser, I wouldn’t limit myself to just one hair colour, unlike many people, who would just stick to their type. I am not judging them, just maybe experiment a little bit, go for something different.

I have always stuck to my ‘type’, I have always stayed inside the box that I have put myself in. I only wear leggings and jumpers, I don’t experiment with my style, I only play games I know I good at, I only eat foods I know I like because I have a fear of throwing up, I only watch films I relatively know i’ll like.

But in the past few months I have grown out and tried different films, foods, styles. I have a few horror films, which I would never do cause I hate scary things, but I denied myself a part of cinema, which is annoying cause I love all things film. I went to brunch a few days ago and I wore a dress and heels, which I would never wear, I broke my style type. I was walking down the street and people were staring as it was 1:30pm, but I didn’t care I felt good.

The point is that we need to try and break out of our box and when we do our lives are limitless.

KatyNella xoxo



#20 – How I got into university

Okay, first of all, I want to say that there’s not just one way to get into uni or the job you want there are many ways to end up at your intended destination, this was just mine.

When I was studying A-Levels, I was revising but in the second year, I just didn’t go into college, when I did go in, I would spend hours in the library, just studying, but this wasn’t enough.

My friends from high school were incredibly smart, and I always felt like the loose link, yes I was in most of the top sets, but in our group, I would be the one who got a grade less than them, I always knew they would get into great uni’s becasue they were very intelligent, and I felt a pressure to be just as smart as them, so I felt I actually did belong in the group and I wasn’t the stupid friend.

In hindsight I shouldn’t have cared as much as I did, I just didn’t want to be seen as stupid and I didn’t want anyone to be like they got into all Russell group unis and Katy didn’t. So I felt an added pressure, that I put on myself, and when I feel like I was underperforming, I crumbled and cracked and I got into my own head. I feel this why now I don’t put as much effort into things, so I am not disappointed when things don’t work out.

So back to my story, I wasn’t attending college as much as I should have done, but I was revising. In my second year, I stupidly decided to listen to my college teachers and redo 4 of my first-year exams, as well as doing 6 second-year exams. I did this because they said I could get better grades when in most of them I got B’s.

This added unnecessary pressure that I didn’t need. My law teacher also wanted me to resit my first-year law exams and he wouldn’t listen to me when I said no. If I caved I would have had to resit ALL of my first-year exams, which is probably some advice I can pass, don’t go past your limit, don’t do something because someone else wants you to and just because they are teachers doesn’t mean they are always right and that you should listen to them.

It might seem like I am blaming my teachers, they were 20% of the reason why I failed, but it was completely my fault. If I worked hard I could have done it easy. I probably sat more exams, doing more subjects and was under a lot more pressure when I was doing my GCSE’s, so I could have done it if I tried.

That being said, that morning, when the results were on UCAS, I was excited. I and my friends were texting in our group chat, eager at 8 in the morning to see if we got into the university of our dreams.

When applying to uni I probably didn’t take it as seriously as I should have done. I only visited Exter uni, and I only looked at the upper class, high end, Russel Group unis. I didn’t look at uni’s that would accept low grades, because I thought that I would get high grades. I should have had a plan B, it was stupid of me to think that I didn’t need a backup plan, which is why now I always try and have a backup plan. I only looked at these uni’s because my friends were looking at these uni’s, I didn’t think of myself and what was best for me.

Probably taught me I need to be more selfish, which I have learnt and been, a great lesson to learn.

That morning I was eager to know if I would be going to the place that Harry Potter was created. As I saw that I was rejected, gave me the biggest hole in my heart, I started to ball my eyes out and my mum ran down the stairs. I felt like I was a failure, that I wasn’t going to end up anywhere (I never want to feel like that again).

Sidenote; I feel a lot that parents, school and society put pressure on us kids to do what they want us to. To me, going to uni was the only option, we weren’t taught about apprenticeships or about foundation years, it broke me when I didn’t get into Exeter. The emotions I felt, are what children should never feel like we aren’t good enough.

So that morning after crying, I spoke to my mum and dad, and we were working on ways I could go to uni. I thought about going to open university but eventually decided to apply to foundation courses to uni’s I never thought about, through the process of clearing.

The clearing is a system that matches university applicants who haven’t had an offer with institutions that still have unfilled places. A foundation course is a course that makes up for the credits that you don’t have to get you into the first year of a degree course. I had 1 C and 2 D’s, so I needed extra credit to get onto the proper degree course.

When applying to the foundation courses, I switched what I wanted to do. I applied to every uni and wrote my personal statement on Archeology and Anthropology, then switched at the last minute to do a foundation course in Journalism because I thought it would be cool to interview celebrities one day.

Even though it was a conventional way to get to where I wanted to be, I am so glad it happened and I wouldn’t change a thing that happened.

There are many different options to get to where you want to be, so what I would say is research what you want. If the job you want is something you don’t need a degree for, what do you need for it? What do you need to do to get into that field? Do what you want to do.

A foundation course is great to decide if uni is actually for you, or if the course you think you might want to do is actually what you want to do. A guy in our course switched to do game design, becaus the foundation course taught him that he didn’t want to do journalism.

It is a very daunting and stressful time, don’t put any unnecessary pressure on yourself and remember every once in a while to take a break.

Katy Nella xoxo

A letter to my Aunty and Uncle

First of all, I want to thank you for sharing your wealth and making sure we are looked after.

Thank you for teaching me how to iron, it’s a weird thing to thank you for but you taught me something I will always remember and have to do in my life.

Thank you for always being there whenever we need you, looking after us when we have had operations, visiting us when we have, travelling down to spend a Friday night with us, having a takeaway.

Thank you for buying us clothes, and trying to give us fashion sense, I know I didn’t adopt it but I know Amy and Lucy did.

Thank you for being the funniest Aunty ever, especially when drunk, whenever we are out in public and you’ve had a drink you will always laugh loudly, and it makes me realise I shouldn’t care if people are looking if I am having fun that is all that matters.

Thank you for showing us what it means to live your life, you go on fancy trips and take us places I never in a million years thought I would go, so thank you.

Thank you for showing me how to be drunk. I don’t think I have once seen you cry drunk Aunty Linda unless it was with laughter. You always get up and dance, you always smile and laugh, and this is after you have had two glasses.

Thank you, Uncle David, for giving us challenging political debates, we don’t agree on many things, but we talk and discuss it, sometimes.

Thank you for giving me my love of the supernatural Aunty Linda. You and mum got me into Charmed, and thank you for creating our own bedtime stories. You bought us these cute, bedazzled pink ballerina slippers, and whenever we wore them we thought we were magic. You created a world for us, a tree that was next to your old house, that was full with tint doors, each with a different world in them, and every night we were at yours we would visit a different door, from the fairy palace to the jellybean world and MoonMoss. Thank you for giving us our imagination.

Thank you for teaching us how not to park, I am joking, but thank you for taking us places, like the safari park and the maze.

Thank you for giving me one of my favourite memories, you were screaming in terror, but it was the funniest thing ever. We were on the chair swing at Alton Towers and safe to say you did not like it, one bit but you made me laugh like you always do.

Thank you for not turning my ideas down, or making it seem like my aspirations are too big and pointless. Whenever I told mum that I wanted a camper van, she would laugh and say okay, in way that said I would never get it, but when I told you, you nodded and said okay, we can see what we can do, I remember I even pitched to Uncle David about why he should buy me the car.

Thank you, Uncle David, for teaching us to work hard, and that family is everything. You worked for a company and then one day you were the boss. It makes me proud, and happy that I am your niece because you have taught me with sheer hard work, determination and with the right people by your side you can do anything. I think this is the reason why I aim so high and have big aspirations because if my Uncle David did it, I can too.

Thank you for always taking us on shopping trips, and buying a lot of arts and crafts so we spent hours just glueing glitter on paper. Thank you for giving me a life that I never thought I would have.  For teaching me how to grow sunflowers, every summer holiday I would come and stay at yours for a week and I was so excited to spend time with my favourite Aunty and Uncle.

When I am older I want to be just as giving as you two have been.

I am so lucky to have you two in my life and I am grateful for everything you have given me. Thank you for being the best Aunty and Uncle a niece could ask for.


#19 – University is some of your best years

People say that high school is some of your best years, but I disagree. There can be so much turmoil for people when they think of their high school years. There is so much bullying in high school, people are with people that they have been with since primary school and many of the relationships that you have with people are just relationships of circumstance. You don’t have people that are truly for you.

University is full of people that are truly your people. You can explore yourself fully and completely without judgement and there is less to little no bullying at uni.

In western society, we are taught that if you don’t have a job that you are nothing. All our life has been school from the ages of 4 – 18, if you go to uni it’s 4- 21. That’s a lot of time and pressure to be learning, and it’s full of essays, exams, presentations. It isn’t great for the human brain.

We never have time to just sit and think. Uni is a great time to chill and relax, you are still learning, but you do it at your own pace, you can decide if you want to go to the lectures, and besides doing lectures you are just relaxing and taking a minute to be with yourself and your thoughts.

You can always have a gap year, where that is literally just full of relaxing and doing what you want to do.

Like I said before western society is only about getting a job, working, earning money, then spending that money to keep the economy going, this is Capitalism.

When we don’t have a job, or if we aren’t earning we are told that we are worthless and that we will be nothing if we don’t have a job. This can create a lot of mental turmoil, and it’s unnecessary stress we put on ourselves. And this is why I believe we need to take a break from learning and getting a job.

We never explore the world we are in and when we take breaks and holidays we think “I needed this, I never treat myself”, humans aren’t made to be working machines, we have to treat ourselves constantly and not think that when we have a break that we deserve it, we always desereve to enjoy life.

We have been brainwashed that if we work hard and often that then and only then, we deserve a break. This has been engrained in us since school. If we study hard we will get high grades, if we put blood, sweat and tears into what we do it’s the only way to get the best results. There is no point exerting yourself if it puts your lifebehind your work.

Work and earning has been put into our brains that it will make your life, and that’s all we are put on the earth for. Work and money should add to your life, it shouldn’t be your life.

That’s why I think uni is some of the best years of your life because your head isn’t wrapped in the ‘work and only work’ mentality. You take time on yourself.

When you balance your life, and when you have put yourself first and you spend time on what makes you happy and enjoying your time on earth, then you will be living your best life.

This post is a little confusing, I normally plan posts, but with this one I just let my fingers do the typing. If you have any questions, or you want to discuss the post then please write them in the comments, I am always up for learning.

KatyNella xoxo

A letter to my Nanna and Grandad

Thank you for being the best Nanna and Grandad a girl could ever have.

Thank you. Thank you for taking us out on day trips, to castles, on holiday and when we are on holiday, thank you for waking us and making us walk to places, and visit different attractions.  For making me laugh, for letting me paint the walls in the hall, you always helped bring out my creativity especially when Grandad let me take his camera and take 20 random pictures of the same tree. For letting us decorate your Christmas tree and then letting us eat all the candy canes.

Thank you for giving me my addiction to tea, you would always have a pot of tea waiting for us when we visit and you would always make sure there were our favourite pizzas in for when we stayed for tea and then in the morning you would always make us sausage butties, nothing compares to Nanna’s sausage butties.

Thank you for getting me into crime dramas, we would always watch NCIS, and Grandad would always record and let us watch Winx Club. Thank you for nurturing my love history. You gave me my love for Carry On films, whenever I watch one I just think of you two, especially when I listen to the Beach Boys, I just think of you two singing Surfin USA sitting in the front of Nanna’s car.

Thank you for showing me what love looks like. I see you two so in love and it makes me really happy.

Thank you for reminding me to put suncream on.

Thank you for being tough on me, I never want to let you down. When I found out I got a first it was when we were in Barbados, that you took us to, so thank you for that, but I remember I told you Nanna, and you nearly burst into tears.

Thank you for keeping me humble, making me appreciate Manchester, I am proud to be from Manchester and I am proud to be your granddaughter.

Thank you for giving me my love and interest in photography, you would always buy me a camera, and Grandad would help me with shots, and show us the pictures he took from the many trips you have been on.

Thank you for always getting us prezzies from your travels. Thank you for not thinking I am weird for when I ate the raw potato skin when we peeled them.

Lucy wants to say thank you for always being there, for taking us to appointments, for picking her up from school, driving from Manchester to Rochdale, just to make sure she got home.

Amy wants to say thank for going above and beyond, she once mentioned she liked Twilight then you got her a lot of Twilight things.

Thank you for coming to our shows, for always being our supporters, for being our number 1 fans, for being proud of us.

I will always remember going to your office Nanna, and walking with you on your route with you Grandad when you were a postman, I will remember the Sainsbury’s shops and walks in the park when we fed the ducks.

Even though we don’t speak often we know you will always be there. We love you Nanna and Grandad. Thank you for being the best grandparents 3 girls could ask for.

#18 – Food for thought

First of all, let me tell you when I started uni in 2015 I was about 10 stone, I had size D titties, I have wide hips and I did alot of squats in college. I am telling you this because whilst I was at uni I went through a big change, ie I gained a lot of weight and I gained it in my ass, tits, legs, ankles and arms.

I have always been a picky eater and I have a phobia of throwing up, so I stay comfortable eating the same food all the time, I rarely broaden my pallet of taste. Moving away from home helped me but also hindered me. I didn’t have the home-made meals that my mum made, but I gained independence.

I learnt how to make new recipes, how different food takes time to cook and it was great to cook food for myself and burn things to learn what I need to do in the future and what tastes I like. You learn how to clean pots – this is very stupid but I dind’t.

When you’re a student you have a little bit of money, you’re living by yourself in a place that has a lot of takeaways and discounts codes. When I lived in Preston Dominoes opened until 3 am and had a 50% discount and I relied on this a lot, it also didnt help the fact that my boyfriend’s mate was the manager at one the Dominoe branches and gave us free pizza.

All of the takeaways I ate have stayed on my body, I am now around 14 stone and a bigger girl than I was. When you’re at uni you have to be wary of what you eat and put into your body as food can influence your mood and energy.

I have only just recently started to eat onions. My flatmate in the second year made bolognese with onions and peppers and I just thought that I want to try that so I made it the next day. It was difficult for me as I didn’t want to throw up , but now I have incorporated them into my cooking and I now haw onions on my hotdog!

So why am I writing this post? To help you when you’re at uni as it can be difficult to make food for yourself with the environment you’re in with outside pressures such as time, stress, money and other flatmates. It is easy to stick a microwave meal in and have that (I had that almost every day) but that wasnt great for me or my body.

Here are some of my tips for ‘food’ when you’re at uni:

  1. Have something new every week to broaden your tastebuds.
  2. Allow yourself some junk food. Uni is very sressful so don’t limit yourself snacks or a takeaway, maybe have one day a week you indulge yourself like on Friday’s have a chippy tea.
  3. Shop at Aldi, Lidl, Poundstretchers. At Aldi the products are really good, there’s lots to choose from and its really cheap so it doesn’t put a dent in your pocket. You can buy a whole weeks worth of shopping for £30.
  4. Create your own recipe book. Write recipes down in a notebook, or find them from magazines or friends and family members.
  5. If you want to eat/do something different, do meat-free Monday. This will broaden your pallet and will introduce a different dynamic to your cooking and you won’t rely on meat to put an ommpft into your meals.
  6. When you cook with a lot of oil, let the pan sit on the side for an hour, then go back and wipe the excess oil with kitchen roll, then place it in the bin. This way the oil won’t clog the drains and the dishwasher.
  7. Clean as you cook. For example, if you are making mash and you place the potatoes in the pan and they are boiling, clean the chopping board and knife and wipe the side. Doing this will make it easier and you won’t feel defeated when you finish and there’s so many things to wash.
  8. If you want to lose weight eating healthier will help towards that, even if thats not your goal, just incorporating healthy eating habits into your life will help you in the long run. This is the time that habits stay with you, not just eating habits but also sleeping habits and working habits etc.

I hope this helps you understand more about food and uni. And I hope this has helped you a little bit. If you want, I might make some recipe posts about the stuff I ate whilst at uni, cause that might help you as well.

Keep broadening your pallet!

KatyNella xoxo



A letter to my sisters

First of all, I want to apologise for how much of shitty big sister I have been in the past, I have been mean, angry, I have made you cry and I have really been awful.

I don’t know why, but I must have taken out my anger on you too and that wasn’t right and I shouldn’t have done that.

You two have taught me what unconditional love means, even when we fight, five minutes later we will talk and it’s like the argument never happened and we still love each other.

You have kept me young at heart. I would play dress-up with you, watch your shows with you, I must have watched so much Dora the Explorer cause you loved it, Lucy. You are 3 and 5 years younger than me, so whenever we spent time with each other, it would be what you want to play, so we would play mermaids, thinking we were Cleo, Emma and Rickey from H20, making our way to Mako island. To be honest, I loved it, because I didn’t grow up quickly.

Together we have been spies like Clover, Alex and Sam, we have done our own ANTM photoshoots, we have started our own fashion line out of old kitchen towels, and we would sew them together in our little shed in the back garden. We have created our own music videos, and documentaries from all the castles we have visited.

We have been faeries, explorers, adventurers, Jedi’s, superheroes, hairdressers, been each others judge when we have baked and sung, We have had dance battles, catwalk shows, sleepovers where we don’t fall asleep till 4 in the morning.  We have had many midnight illegal game nights playing Mario on our Nintendo DS’. We have been each other’s storyteller, I have been your tooth fairy when mum was too tired to remember.

We have been each other’s rocks and shoulders to cry on. You have been my comedians, therapists, you have been my enemies.

But most of all we have been each other’s hype men and biggest supporters.

I’ve seen you at your worst as you have seen me at mine. We have all screamed at each other, made each other laugh till our stomach hurts, we have cried with each other and vented to each other.

We have scare competitions, we have our own language, we understand each other. We have even been each other’s saviours and communicators where we had to tell people what Lucy wanted when she was younger because she couldn’t speak properly, but we always knew what she meant.

I will always cherish the moments I have had and will have with you two. You both are my best friend, and I just want you both to know that you two will always be in my heart, I will always love, support and protect you will all my being, no matter what.

I am immensely proud of both of the women you have started to become. You will both have me in your corner to the ends of the earth and back.

I love you, Amy.

I love you, Lucy.

I mean I must love you both to have my first tattoo to be about you two.


#17- The real university experience

What is the real university experience?

There aren’t many shows or films that show what the real experience is like, the ones I have seen are Fresh Meat and the Riot Club. Now I don’t know if the Riot Club actually depicts Oxford, or wherever it is based, but Fresh Meat kind of depicts Uni.

The run-down student housing, the drinks at the pub, the different personalities, the arguments, it 70% accurately shows what uni is like from the other side of student life.

The older generation, the media and people who haven’t been to university say that it is a waste of time, students are lazy and that all it is drinking. For the most part, you can argue that these are true, however, I believe they are not.

It is only a waste of time if you don’t put the effort it, it’s only a waste of time if you don’t use the time you have in uni wisely.  But what does a ‘waste of time’ mean? If you’re studying a subject you want to learn about and go into that job, it isn’t a waste of time, even though there are many different ways to get to many jobs, it isn’t a waste of time if you WANT to do it, don’t let anyone define what you want to do. If you want to go to uni and dedicate 3 years to learning your degree, then don’t let anyone tell you it is a waste of time.

Even if you drop out or stop putting in the effort, you still haven’t wasted your time, you are still learning how to live independently, you are meeting new people, learning new skills, experiencing new things that you wouldn’t have if you didn’t go to uni, therefore NOT a waste of time.

My real university experience was full of emotions, ups and downs, stress, laughter and worry. People think that being a student is lazy and that we are not responsible with our money but in reality, the majority of students don’t get enough of a loan to ‘have money’.

I got £5000, and over the four years, that got depleted to about £4,200. That was my student loan. That wasn’t enough the cover my accommodation and have enough to live off the in the year. My average weekly rent over the four years was £100, and I was living in Preston if I got into my first uni choice, which was Exeter, I would have the need to work to afford living there, as their rent was £136 a week.

I was lucky and privileged enough to have monetary help from Aunty, but other students weren’t lucky to have help. Many of us, including my close friends, had to have a part-time job to afford the rent and living in the flat (food, drink, car payments, and of course a little extra money to treat ourselves) so this just adds worry and stress, as the real uni experience is juggling money, the time between classes, studying, assignments, sleep, work, friends, relaxation. It pisses me off when the older generation says that ‘students do fuck all’ when we never really have time to ourselves, which is why when we go out we get drunk, we save up money, to go out and blow off steam.

That is the real uni experience, it is juggling a lot and it is stressful but it is rewarding, it does teach you how to manage and organise your time, even though I can’t physically do it, I am just incapable of organisation but it teaches you what life will be like, in away.

It’s a mini-crash course on adult life, but with the added benefits of you being able to relax and do nothing whilst you are writing essays and clubbing.

That was my real uni experience. I am curious what your real uni experience was, and if you have any misconceptions about uni and students the comment down below and I will discuss your points with you.

KatyNella xo


Why am I so lazy? Why do I feel like a failure?

“I don’t know” is the statement I always come back to.

That is the answer to my life at the minute.

The way I feel most of the time, is lazy, unmotivated and disorganised. These feelings are in my mind, I know that, but it is difficult fighting these feelings.

There is a mixture of things that have happened that could have put to me being lazy now in my everyday life. One is my mum being OCD when I was younger. My mum, always cleaned, if we just had a biscuit and there was one crumb on the floor, she would hoover. There wasn’t a time she would stop and relax. Every week she would do a deep clean cleaning the skirting boards and whatnot.

Because she did this all the time, I think subconsciously I thought “my mum will clean it up” so I never really did anything when I was younger, I would only do chores when I was offered money. This behaviour has grown up with me into my adult life. My room at uni would be so messy and dirty because I didn’t want to tidy it, I just didn’t want to waste my energy when I could just lie in bed and watch a film.

Even now with my own flat, I have to plan what I am going to do to clean it. I have to find energy to clean the flat I live in. I don’t have habits in my life, I leave dishes in the sink, even when the dishwasher is empty, I leave clothes on the kitchen top when they have finished drying cause I can’t be arsed to fold and put them away.

I have lived a very privileged life where my mum has done everything for me, and it is going to take a lot to break down this and escape this mentality that I have had for the past 22 years, to get out of thinking I have the safety net that ‘my mum will just do it.’

So, why am I lazy? I was a very active child. I was apart of many after school activities, I did ballet, dance, karate, jujitsu, judo, I swam a lot, I was in my primary school football team, I was in my high school’s netball team, I did badminton after school, I would go to the community gym, I would do mini-workout routines nearly every day when I was in highshcool, I would walk home every day from high school and that took an hour, I was in many theatre productions in high school, I would ride my bike and go for walks to the local nature reserve, I did violin and piano, I was in my uni’s hockey team, so why am I lazy now?

Where did this get up and go attitude go? All of the activities I just mentioned, I quit. I stopped doing them. Is this the reason why I feel like a failure, and why I feel like I can never finish anything because everything I have done I have quit?

I can always blame outside forces for making me lazy and why I quit certain things. I had my back done so I couldn’t do sport for a year – this is why I quit swimming, I had a weird piano teacher, that’s why I quit piano, I wasn’t getting good at violin, that’s why I quit violin, my dad went on duty a lot, that’s why I quit jujitsu and karate, I wasn’t good at football or netball and I didn’t want to embarrass myself, so I quit.

The reality I need to face is that I quit and I am lazy because of my own doing, it is not the world or the universes fault as to why I quit so many things, it is the insecurities and my own my mind that defeated me. It is my own doing.

This is why I am not doing my blog, youtube or twitch. I don’t see them growing, and I think that I am not doing something right or I think that there is no point in doing them because it won’t go anywhere, so I stop them when they are still in the baby stage, I don’t put my all or effort into projects or hobbies because I don’t want to waste my energy on something that I think will fail. I don’t want to have wasted my time when something has failed.

I don’t want to see something that I was so passionate about be shit and seem like it was pointless. I don’t want to be embarrassed, I feel like I don’t put my all in because I don’t want to be judged by people, this is why I am jealous of people who put all into their passions, because I feel like when I am putting my all in people are talking about me and how ugly I am, or how shit the things I am doing are. I don’t want to be perceived as a loser for putting all into what I like, or discussing things I like, I don’t like being judged.

This is what I mean when I say I feel like and I know it is my own insecurities stopping me. Or is it just simply that I am a lazy shit?

How do I get out of this mindset? I am trying to create habits that help me with everything I have just mentioned. I am going to write a post about the habits I am going to try and implement into my life.

This article talks about why laziness is a myth. It says that laziness is a myth and people actually have a fear of failure and success, as well as other points. But I feel that I actually have these fears when I actually deep it.

I don’t like failing so I stop doing something and putting my all into it because I don’t want to fail – this is why I missed my first-year law exam, as I failed my A-Level exam and I didn’t want to fail it again, so I didn’t revise or even show up for the exam. On the flip side, I don’t want to succeed as I don’t like attention and I don’t want people to think I am a ‘nerd’ or a ‘loser’ for doing well or taking pride in something that I like or am doing, therefore I don’t put the effort in so it’s a mediocre finish and it is just average.

I am stuck in the middle, I am in purgatory. How do I stop feeling this way? If you have any comments or suggestions on what I can do then please leave them in the comments, do you feel this way, if so then please let me know? I might do another post about this topic in a few weeks, discussing more and what I am doing to try and stop it.

This is the first time, writing this post, that I have actually realised that there is actually problem and by just writing I have let my subconscious thoughts come out and it has been therapy for me. Most of these things I haven’t wrote in my notes and, weirdly I have something to finally think about and work on.

Let me know what you think in the comments.

KatyNella xoxo