“I don’t know” is the statement I always come back to.
That is the answer to my life at the minute.
The way I feel most of the time, is lazy, unmotivated and disorganised. These feelings are in my mind, I know that, but it is difficult fighting these feelings.
There is a mixture of things that have happened that could have put to me being lazy now in my everyday life. One is my mum being OCD when I was younger. My mum, always cleaned, if we just had a biscuit and there was one crumb on the floor, she would hoover. There wasn’t a time she would stop and relax. Every week she would do a deep clean cleaning the skirting boards and whatnot.
Because she did this all the time, I think subconsciously I thought “my mum will clean it up” so I never really did anything when I was younger, I would only do chores when I was offered money. This behaviour has grown up with me into my adult life. My room at uni would be so messy and dirty because I didn’t want to tidy it, I just didn’t want to waste my energy when I could just lie in bed and watch a film.
Even now with my own flat, I have to plan what I am going to do to clean it. I have to find energy to clean the flat I live in. I don’t have habits in my life, I leave dishes in the sink, even when the dishwasher is empty, I leave clothes on the kitchen top when they have finished drying cause I can’t be arsed to fold and put them away.
I have lived a very privileged life where my mum has done everything for me, and it is going to take a lot to break down this and escape this mentality that I have had for the past 22 years, to get out of thinking I have the safety net that ‘my mum will just do it.’
So, why am I lazy? I was a very active child. I was apart of many after school activities, I did ballet, dance, karate, jujitsu, judo, I swam a lot, I was in my primary school football team, I was in my high school’s netball team, I did badminton after school, I would go to the community gym, I would do mini-workout routines nearly every day when I was in highshcool, I would walk home every day from high school and that took an hour, I was in many theatre productions in high school, I would ride my bike and go for walks to the local nature reserve, I did violin and piano, I was in my uni’s hockey team, so why am I lazy now?
Where did this get up and go attitude go? All of the activities I just mentioned, I quit. I stopped doing them. Is this the reason why I feel like a failure, and why I feel like I can never finish anything because everything I have done I have quit?
I can always blame outside forces for making me lazy and why I quit certain things. I had my back done so I couldn’t do sport for a year – this is why I quit swimming, I had a weird piano teacher, that’s why I quit piano, I wasn’t getting good at violin, that’s why I quit violin, my dad went on duty a lot, that’s why I quit jujitsu and karate, I wasn’t good at football or netball and I didn’t want to embarrass myself, so I quit.
The reality I need to face is that I quit and I am lazy because of my own doing, it is not the world or the universes fault as to why I quit so many things, it is the insecurities and my own my mind that defeated me. It is my own doing.
This is why I am not doing my blog, youtube or twitch. I don’t see them growing, and I think that I am not doing something right or I think that there is no point in doing them because it won’t go anywhere, so I stop them when they are still in the baby stage, I don’t put my all or effort into projects or hobbies because I don’t want to waste my energy on something that I think will fail. I don’t want to have wasted my time when something has failed.
I don’t want to see something that I was so passionate about be shit and seem like it was pointless. I don’t want to be embarrassed, I feel like I don’t put my all in because I don’t want to be judged by people, this is why I am jealous of people who put all into their passions, because I feel like when I am putting my all in people are talking about me and how ugly I am, or how shit the things I am doing are. I don’t want to be perceived as a loser for putting all into what I like, or discussing things I like, I don’t like being judged.
This is what I mean when I say I feel like and I know it is my own insecurities stopping me. Or is it just simply that I am a lazy shit?
How do I get out of this mindset? I am trying to create habits that help me with everything I have just mentioned. I am going to write a post about the habits I am going to try and implement into my life.
This article talks about why laziness is a myth. It says that laziness is a myth and people actually have a fear of failure and success, as well as other points. But I feel that I actually have these fears when I actually deep it.
I don’t like failing so I stop doing something and putting my all into it because I don’t want to fail – this is why I missed my first-year law exam, as I failed my A-Level exam and I didn’t want to fail it again, so I didn’t revise or even show up for the exam. On the flip side, I don’t want to succeed as I don’t like attention and I don’t want people to think I am a ‘nerd’ or a ‘loser’ for doing well or taking pride in something that I like or am doing, therefore I don’t put the effort in so it’s a mediocre finish and it is just average.
I am stuck in the middle, I am in purgatory. How do I stop feeling this way? If you have any comments or suggestions on what I can do then please leave them in the comments, do you feel this way, if so then please let me know? I might do another post about this topic in a few weeks, discussing more and what I am doing to try and stop it.
This is the first time, writing this post, that I have actually realised that there is actually problem and by just writing I have let my subconscious thoughts come out and it has been therapy for me. Most of these things I haven’t wrote in my notes and, weirdly I have something to finally think about and work on.
Let me know what you think in the comments.