Hello! It’s been a very long, long time since I’ve written on my blog. There’s been a lot that has happened in the big break I took. I lost myself and found myself then lost myself again. My cat Salem went missing and it threw me for a spin, then he came back like nothing happened. My other cat Tige got hit by a car mere meters away from our house and I don’t think I have ever screamed that loudly at 2 am before, he sadly passed away. I got covid, it was awful as I just started my new job and I was already off for ten days prior to this as I had to isolate. I started a new job after having to leave my old job as of the pandemic.
The past two years have been an emotional whirlwind for me. And I feel as if I am still at the beginning of the path you could say. There’s a lot to unpack, and I am not going to say all of it in this post, because some of it is personal and I don’t think I am ready to share that yet.
The truth is I haven’t been blogging because I haven’t wanted to. Lockdown would have been the perfect oppurtunity to focus on this blog and try to turn it in to something that I could make a living from. I was and still am in a weird mindset, it’s foggy and I don’t know when or if this fog is ever going to clear. It’s still a battle I am doing everyday, and at the moment it feels like I am losing.
Last year I hit one off the lowest points I think I’ve reached in my life. I was put on a waiting list to receive Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT). My doctor told me when we had the consultation on the phone that he thinks I could possibly have bi-polar disorder, which makes sense but the woman I did the therapy with said that it was more likely depression and anxiety. But I haven’t been officially diagnosed with anything, which is why I feel like I don’t know what’s going on. There’s a lot of self diagnosing and with TikTok’s talking about mental health and diseases and shit it’s pretty hard not too.
From TikTok’s I have watched I have gathered that I do indeed have anxiety, something to do with depression, but this maybe because I could potentially have ADHD or at least be neurodivergent. I relate to a lot of the videos and most of the symptoms of ADHD I definitely do have, but I am scared of going to the GP as not a lot of women get diagnosed with it and then I am going to be back at square one.
There are a lot of things that run though my mind to start this blog up again, I just don’t have the motivation. I don’t have the motivation to do anything at the min, even shower. I just zone out and not move. I have no idea where to start. In one of my next posts I might write a list of everything I want to do with this blog. This might mean a redesign of my blog, to re-inspire me to write on this blog. I think the thing for me is I don’t want to waste my time, and if I am doing something now on my days off that isn’t relaxing, I feel like I am wasting my day off, cause I am just cleaning or doing shit I don’t want to do.
I see loads of people, friends, family who seem to have their shit together and I am envious. I really want to have my shit together I just don’t know where to start.
I still need to find whats right for me. I have tried being organised that didn’t stick. I have tried leaving things and this didn’t work. So I am just going to go with the flow, I am not going to put myself under a lot of pressure to post, if I post I post if I don’t I don’t.
So yeah, this was just a post to say where and what I have been doing. I have a few blog post ideas, that I have planned and will be writing in the next few days. I will probably change how the blog looks. As my aesthetic and how I want it to look has changed.
Let’s see if I can keep this streak up.