Its 2am and I am writing my blog post by a plastic candle. I am in such a weird state of mind as of late. Does anyone get that? I am in my last semester of my third year. And it’s really, really stressful. I have so many deadlines, so much to do and I can’t seem to be bothered to do anything.
Even with this blog and youtube, you don’t understand how much I really want to blog, stream and youtube, but I just really seem not bothered. It makes me think, if I really want to do something and I can’t be arsed, what if I get a job that I dint enjoy I just won’t do it. And it’s scary, thinking I might not get a job, or that I will be shit at that job.
With my deadlines, there are so many people I need to contact, and I am worried they won’t want to help me in my projects, even though I have done everything one thousand times before, I just can’t seem to bring myself to do it all.
This weird state of mind is really fucking me off. I know I am lazy, un-motivated and un-active but i just can’t seem to get out of it!
I am overthinking everything! There is so much I want to do, but I need to remember I am only 21 years old, and I have years to do stuff so I should calm down.
I want to get into gym and yoga, I am just anxious of people staring, and not being able to do it basically. I had surgery on my back when I was 14 to fix my scoliosis, so I have two metal rods down my back and I havant been able to find yoga stretches, or exercises that I can do that won’t put much pressure on my back.
I want to get more into astrology and crystals and herbal remedies and stuff like that. I want to stop being a lazy fucker and actually make something of my life you know? I want to become more knowledgable and cultured. I want to read non-fiction books.
I actually feel like I am lost, I feel like I am at sea with no lifeboat, no raft, no life jacket and the sharks are circling me, I just feel really weird.
I just want to help people, I want to make enough money to support my mum, my dad, my sisters, my family, my friends and my future children, but that is stressing me out.
I replied to a Ted talk tweet about having a video to watch about motivation and procrastination in December, I STILL HAVEN’T WATCHED IT! If that isn’t the epitome of encapsulating me then I don’t know what is 😦
If anyone has any advice on what to do with dealing with thoughts like these, or any advice or any thing they want to share then please feel free and welcome to.
Katy Nells xoxo