So today I woke up at 2pm, got out of bed, had two bowls of cereal, then crawled back into my bed, and I have just lay here for three hours.
It is currently 17:50pm and I keep saying I will be productive, I will do meditation, I will revise, I will exercise, I will read and do this and that and in the end I just re watch youtube videos I have watched 500 times because I am at a point where I say things and not do them, which leaves me feeling like a piece of shit.
I keep writing posts about “how I am lazy and have no motivation” and that “I will change” but I never really do. I just re design the cover of the story and the words I say, but nothing actually really changes.
SO WHAT NOW?
The truth is, I DONT KNOW.
I want, no, I need to be inspired. I need to take action of my own life, but I don’t want to, cause for me thats to much effort, and I hate effort. I need to take better care of my mind, my body, my health, my schooling, my money situation, I just need to be a better person so that my life can be better.
I am not saying I have a bad life, cause it is a good one, I just want to feel like I am actually accomplishing it, I want to grab life by the balls and fuck it up.
Thats the first step, realising that you need something to change, but this is my problem. I have stayed in this step for the past 6 years of my life. I never do things, I never put my 100% effort into projects, I never prove to myself that I can do things, I always, ALWAYS crumble at the first hurdle, the first problem, I always either quit, run away, procrastinate, make up bullshit excuses, hide and I hate that about myself.
I hate that there is something I hate about myself. You should never ‘hate’ something about yourself, you should always love yourself.
I hate how lazy I am, I hate how angry I can get, I hate how unmotivated I am, I hate how stubborn and impulsive I am, I hate my body, I hate my tree trunk legs, I hate how fat my arms are, I hate how there is fat above my ankles and that you can tell there is, I hate untidy and unorganised I am, I hate the fact that I sweat a lot and that is something I am so cautious about, I hate how I think I am so ugly, I hate how my mind is sometimes, I hate that I always quit and never go through with what I say I will.
How do I move on to step 2? How do I move past these thoughts, cause in reality I just don’t want to do stuff, I am that unmotivated I just can’t be arsed. And then I can’t moan or whine about it to anyone because it is all my fault. All I do is throw my self pity parties and tweet “how much a mess my life is’, I look at peoples videos, instagram posts and I envy their life.
I can write lists, I can say I change something but I won’t. I have loads of notepads and books that I can write in, create a “plan of life” but that will not help me, cause it has never helped me before.
My problem is with time. I always seem to think I have more time than I actually do. I always run out of time, and I can never give activities certain time, I always feel like I have wasted my time no matter what I do.
So lets ask the question again. What do I do now? What do we do now? What do you do now?
I have exams coming up and I am so nervous. Last year I just didn’t go to them. I am so anxious of exams. I never used to be, but then I failed all of them in college and now I just can’t do them. I feel like no matter how hard I revise whenever the word ‘exam’ is mentioned or when I take one I just freeze. I just have a mental block and I can’t seem to get past it.
I have not been diagnosed with anxiety, so I am not going to sit here and write that I have it and know all about it when there are people who have it worse than me, but I can’t shake the feeling of how this inanimate thing makes me feel. Right now I am crying as I write this.
I feel so small, so nervous, I just can’t get over it. I have failed miserably before and I can’t help but feel like I will fail again.
I think what I feel, and what I have mentioned in this post all comes down to failure and disappointment. I don’t like the pressure I put on myself, but I need to apply loads of pressure or I will legit be nothing I want to be.
I don’t want to fail, I don’t want to idly cruise life, I want to do things, I want to make an impact, I want to swim upstream.
I want to make my blog and youtube successful and there is always a doubt in the back of my mind that they will never be. Right now, essentially, they are for me. Nobody reads my blog, nobody watches my videos, they are just a way for me to escape, me literally doing nothing.
This post is almost 1000 words so I am going to continue this on my next post. I know this is just waffle and all clumped together, I just needed these thoughts out there.
Katy Nells xoxo