So for the past few months I have had no motivation what so ever to do anything. I have a lot of stuff I need to do but re watching videos on YouTube and re watching my favourite series on Netflix just seems much more appealing to me. It has even taken me ten days to write this post.
Maybe it is because I am lazy, or maybe it is because I am easily distracted. Maybe I am just bored. I am a person who loves change, in someways. I quit things quite a lot because I bored. I have quite ballet, violin, swimming, I kinda quit college by not going in to the lessons. I don’t really finish something I intend or want to do, or I do it so half-heartedly that there is no effort and it is pointless. I like changing my hair colour, because I get bored of it, I want cover my skin in tattoos because my skin, to me, looks plain and boring.
I get tired of things so easily.
So when I have committed to something and gone through with something, like completing a project, reading a book, or even watching a film I dislike , I feel so accomplished.
I have three exams coming up, and two of these exams are on law and economics. I did law and business in college, and some of the topics I studied are on these exams. I feel like I am afraid to fail my first year because I failed my college exams. The pressure is getting to me a lot. I am scared that if I don’t pass then I can’t continue on to my second year, and uni is the one thing that I want to say that I have done, with a lot of effort. But now I just really can’t be arsed doing the work and I can’t complain of failing if I don’t put the effort in, so what do you do when this happens?
Before christmas I went on a night out and I drunk a lot of vodka and got really pissed. And someone made a comment, that shouldn’t have hurt me, but because I was drunk, it really got me, mentally. I was crying as it brought up a lot feelings, and memories from my past, and it brought back loads and loads of shit thoughts that I have had in the past, such as self harm, depressing thoughts and even suicide.
I have had trouble with all these things in the past, for a completely different reason, which I might write a post about or do a video, but when you have had these feelings of worthlessness, and failure, and something as miniature as a grade mark, or a stranger making a comment about being in the way on a public street, can set everything off again.
It is always a cycle.
For me I want to succeed, but there is a constant thought in the back of my head telling me that I can’t do whatever I a trying to do, or that my project will be bad and I will fail, or that I am too fat for anyone to think I am pretty or slim, or that I can’t wear that top I will look fat. Even if I feel great, no matter how happy I feel there is always a bad thought.
I try to do something (revise, tidy my room, go to the gym, eat healthy), then I don’t do it, or I see myself in the mirror and I think why am I doing this, I have tried in the past, it hasn’t worked. And then I feel even more shit because I haven’t done what I have wanted to do, and then thoughts happen again, you’re lazy, you procrastinate to much and it never ends.
I try to think on the positives but when your mind is tipping on the side of negative because you have so many negative thoughts,it just doesn’t help.
I need to change. This weekend I practically spent all of it asleep because my sleeping pattern is messed up, I could have tidied my room and done my work, but I didn’t have the drive to do anything.
What should you do when you feel like this?
I am going to try a bunch of things to tackle this, and then I will try to write them on here. Maybe I shouldn’t say try. I should say do. Replacing ‘try’ words with doing words might help. I don’t know. But I am trying to learn and I am trying to be a better me.
We are put on this earth to be ourselves, and it’s okay to better yourself. This earth needs the best you and you deserve the best self you can. I honestly don’t know if this is making any sense, I got six hours sleep and I have a 9am in an hour so, sorry for the long ass post, I just wanted to get everything of my chest. And if anyone is feeling like this or has felt like this you can get in touch, I will make time to talk,as talking to someone is sometimes one of the best ways to medicate yourself.